Filling a hole

Now I want you to follow me here. This is NOT a religious thing. If you pay attention, you'll get it. If you don't pay attention, well, don't expect me to be surprised.

One of the things that drives me absolutely batshit in this world is desperation. Not the feeling, that doesn't get me. It's the things people do that drives me nuts. A woman's husband dies. They've been married for 40 or so years. We're talking committed. In the wake of her husband's death, while desperately grasping for something to fill the hole his loss has left in her life, she's become a fundie christian. (Stay with me) She's turned her back on her entire life in order to find a meaning. Now, this wouldn't bug me, aren't we all looking for some sort of meaning? That our time on earth isn't worthless. That we will leave a mark that says "I was here and I did something".

We all do this and it's ok. It's human. But in the wake of a loss of any kind, one must expect that desperately clawing for any meaning is no better than having no meaning. You commit your life to some ephermeral that, within a few years, you realize really means nothing to you. In return for this desperate race to fill that hole, you have burned bridges that you may never get back.

I say this isn't religious because in THIS case, she turned to religion. I've seen cases though where people have undergone complete personality changes to devote themselves to charity, a friendship, children. You say, how can that be bad? Well, 1. You get to this point when, most of the time, you realize that this isn't YOU. This isn't who you are. 2. You're trying to replace something that can't be replaced. The funny thing is that anyone with a modicum of intelligence (I know I just greatly shortened that list) will tell you that it's not healthy to replace someone. Yet no one bats an eye when you replace someone with god or charity or some socially approved behavior. Really, it's no different.

I hear all the things. Maybe this is what she needed to get through. If this gets her to sleep at night, leave her alone. I'm not interested in how much sleep she gets. I'm interested in her working through what she feels to make decisions for her life that won't hurt her later. When you come back from any type of rehab, they say to make no big decisions for a year or so. Do you know why? So you don't try to replace the drugs/alcohol/etc with a dependance on another person or with a new type of addiction. Why would any such thing be different if you lost a spouse? Why would you make a sudden decision that the religion you've mocked all your life is something you should jump into? That the charity you've turned your nose up at is suddenly worthy of your time? Why is it no one points out the painfully obvious? No matter what you fill that hole with, it will never take the place of the loss. Don't change your life significantly until you are no longer grieving. Don't run to religion, sports, people, charity. Socially approved behavior or not, that does not make it more healthy behavior. Yet I'm the asshole for pointing that out.

If you cared you wouldn't accept her "conversion" to god, but recognize it for what it is: A lost, lonely woman clutching desperately for something to give her life meaning in the wake of losing a, if not THE, central part of her life. Let her grieve, help her, be the rational one at a time that she needs someone else to be rational.